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Archive for the ‘Stuff I consider to be Crap’ Category


Here it is: the truest expression of crap food at its most elemental; the crap sublime, if you will

OMG, someone actually TRIED that nauseating-looking German cheeseburger in a can. The enterprising – and undoubtedly iron-stomached – folks over at the Onion had the nerve to actually eat something that, one suspects, is really more an object for parody than degustation.

I’d venture to bet they’re the only people in the world to have actually eaten the thing instead of buying it and then exhibiting it proudly on a shelf, where it would glow the pure essence of crapitude as it was meant to.

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Blech! Chocolate-flavored cheese singles? I’d write more about this if I weren’t about to puke.

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but it is official, people. Americans just don’t have a monopoly on crap convenience food.

Yes. Your eyes do not deceive you. That is, in fact, a cheeseburger in a pop-top can, courtesy of the Germans. The ultimate in camping convenience – can’t bring a whole Mickey D’s with you on your hike? Toss one of these in your pack and you’re good to go.

And while we’re on the subject of things that just don’t belong in a single-serving can (and weird shit German people eat), how about this:

Get one! (Not to be confused with “get some”, which would imply that the Germans are selling sex in a can.) This is a trio of single-serving pickles, also in a pop-top can. I mean, maybe that cheeseburger doesn’t come with pickles. So there you go. You can just slice one of these babies up and slap it between the bun and the meat.

I also love the tagline on the can – “The pickle snack from the hometown of pickle fans”. Sounds very surreal. Can you imagine what a walk down Main Street in the “hometown of pickle fans” would be like? “O, Guten Tag, Achim. Vere iss ze neearest PICKL shop?” “Hi, Juergen. Vhy, ze next PICKL shop iss grad um die Ecke – right around ze kornah.”

The Spreewald actually is known for its scenic beauty and excellent pickles, although these days it’s all gone pretty downmarket. Kinda sad that a country so rich with history and culture would just throw it all into a can with a cheesy slogan, but there you have it.

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Photo from Choirbell’s flickr stream

People, come on! Stop eating those Banquet chicken and turkey pot pies right out of the package! Don’t you know that that stuff isn’t ready-to-eat? Don’t you have a frantically, pedantically detailed knowledge of the wattage and inner workings of your microwave? No? Then it must be your fault if you started projectile vomiting last time you crammed one of those things into your gullet.

At least, that’s the line that ConAgra is taking. Check out these excerpts from a press release they sent out in response to salmonella poisoning from their chicken and turkey pot pies (emphasis is mine):

ConAgra Foods today announced that it was contacted by state health officials regarding Banquet Turkey and Chicken Pot Pies. In cooperation with the U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA), ConAgra Foods is advising consumers to not eat these products while the USDA and ConAgra Foods look into these concerns…The company believes the issue is likely related to consumer undercooking of the product…

The company reminds consumers that these products are not ready-to-eat, and must always be thoroughly cooked as instructed on the packages. The cooking instructions for these products are specifically designed to eliminate the presence of common pathogens found in many uncooked products. Microwave cooking times vary, depending on the wattage of the microwave, so carefully following all instructions is important.


Huh? It’s not like the meat is raw in that pie when you heat it up. It’s a convenience food! That means that theoretically, it’s pre-cooked in some plant somewhere so you don’t have to take your kitchen thermometer out and make sure it’s cooked to 165 degrees inside. I mean, I just know that if you’re eating a frozen pot pie that costs 75 cents, you’re definitely going to have a thermometer on hand to bulletproof yourself from food poisoning in case your
$553 Panasonic NN-C994S Genius Prestige 1100-Watt microwave craps out on you.


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